Blimey, this is a long one...

As we arrive in La Spezia (about which my first impression was mistakenly unfavourable... we were though

following a dust cart which stunk of rotten fish on the way in) it's about jolly time that I brought you up to date with the tour so far.

Monday saw us depart Dijon in fair weather and lunch was pegged at Lake Annecy, well known to Brian as he's been there at least half a dozen times before. Not well known to Brian however is the way there, or even where those naughty French people hid their 250 square kilometre lake when we were trying to find it. It is a very picturesque place though and we enjoyed lunch sat in some 25 degrees of warmth, a marked contrast to the first couple of days. The gentle ride into Grenoble took between fifty-five minutes and two and a half hours depending on who you were and whether you have any clue whatsoever which way is south.  That evening passed in a remarkably civilised fashion and we almost spent some time planning the route to Nice. Good news... the Support Van manned by George and Joey arrived this evening (though quite what they are supporting is anyone's guess) and also our very own waif and stray, 'two pants' Tony.

Having failed to plan the route to Nice, we spent the usual half hour on Tuesday morning trying to work out which way to go and inevitably we lost each other, though even we expected it to take longer than one corner and a set of traffic lights. Having been lured into believing that we couldn't possibly encounter any bad weather, it threw it down shortly after leaving Grenoble and resembling seven giant condoms on motorbikes we made our way further south along roads which even had it been dry would not have overly impressed. What we didn't expect was the delight which followed our morning travails in the form of a dry afternoon and some fantastic bendy roads which took us through some spectacular gorges and one especially nice village, St Andre-les-Alpes, where we found a very accommodating bar lady willing to let us in her pub.

Previous visits to Nice have tended to show that it can be a bit of a messy night out. Tuesday night was definitely a messy night out. We found ourselves at Wayne's Bar, a live music bar/restaurant of some fame in Nice which we liked so much we stayed half the night. Dancing (loosely speaking) on the tables is encouraged so we did and the evening then degenerated into a type of drunken Olympics... most popular events included Bollard Hugging (as shown...) the Basement Dive (the idea of this event is to walk along the street and then fall or dive into someone's cellar, isn't it Andy?) and that old crowd-pleaser, Falling Over For No Apparent Reason (top athlete in this event was undoubtedly Richard).

You might be less than surprised to learn that Wednesday morning's ride which took us into Monte Carlo was a bit slower than usual. The Monaco GP was held at the weekend and we took the chance for a spin around the circuit though not as you might imagine as these are public roads and rather crowded. We were overtaken eight times by teenage girls on scooters. As Nice had done for any desire to go whizzing around mountain roads today, we headed to La Spezia on the Mediterranean coast motorway, only to hear later in the day that 'wrecker' Reid had been at it again... this time reversing his Honda into a car in Monaco. Brian is now on Interpol's most wanted list and most of Europe's insurance companies are offering a bounty on his head.

Assuming La Spezia doesn't chew us up and spit us out like Nice did last night we head for Siena on the morrow... I hope they haven't got any bollards there.

If it had a pulse... or even if it didn't, the French will probably eat it...

After a start slightly delayed to let the early morning drizzle move further north and to allow a few

sore heads to be assuaged by a coffee or two, we headed south toward Dijon. Possibly more by luck than judgement, we wound through the Marne valley to the town of Chaumont for 'lunch' to be made unexpectedly very welcome by the owners. True hospitality expressed which we reciprocated in the only way we know. There followed the usual afternoon episode of 'Speed Frenzy' as we made it to Dijon in overcast yet pleasant weather.

We spent a night here last year but unlike then Dijon is casting a better impression this year and is actually a very pretty place with some big churches. However, true to their sacred roots the Dijonnaise do sod all on Sundays... thankfully save for an Irish bar and the adjacent fabulous restaurant (name regrettably lost in the mists of French beer) the proprietors of which recognise that a good profit is far holier than a day in with the wife and kids.

Our headline act, Brian, didn't disappoint today after his explosive debut on Saturday... Slight issues negotiating both a blind right hander and the inconvenient accompanying 40ft truck followed later by similar difficulties a) getting to grips with an escargot and b) climbing the stairs back to his hotel room after 'a few wee steadiers' proved that 'Mad Dog' has the staying power required for this venture. The rest of us are proving mild by comparison.

Tomorrow we aim for Grenoble where we welcome the arrival of 'two pants' Tony and also our innovation for 2013... yes, our very own Support Vehicle manned by George and Joey. I've been asked to impress upon them that a ready supply of cigarettes is the primary function of any such back-up team.

Tony, seen pictured here at a recent WI meeting

A car, a politician and a tank bag...

Usually, our first day is spent legging it far to the south as quickly as possible in order to get to warmer climes. Such days are generally difficult to go to town about as they are pretty uneventful. Not so yesterday.

After a remarkable demonstration of punctuality and a kindly pat on the back from the gods of meteorology, we progressed to Dover which, to our horror, was being invaded by Germans before our eyes (all on their way to Wembley apparently). We have expressed concerns that Brian might be trouble on this trip and sure enough, a mere 220 miles into proceedings he took it upon himself to pit his pannier against a German gentleman's BMW. the resulting dent in his rear wing had Herr Schnitzel chasing Brian through the port of Dover. Very undignified.

It's not very often that our group gets to rub shoulders with the high and mighty but while waiting for access to the car deck on arriving in Calais we were barged through by the MP for Wokingham, one John Redwood... famous for taking on the mighty John Major and losing. He seemed taken aback by our comments and was last seen climbing aboard a bus with some old ladies.

The highlight of the ride to Reims was when approaching the finishing line we stopped for a cigarette break

and on returning to the motorway our own Eddie Kidd, Andy Reid, showed us a wheelie whilst at the same time we watched his tank bag bounce down the road in the manner of Barnes Wallis's bouncing bomb. It was déjà vu... again.

Saturday night in Reims was good fun and we're all wondering if Brian has an 'off' switch. Dijon awaits on Sunday... we hope it will cut the mustard this time.

Oh come all ye faithful...

Now that some of the massive global media interest in the trip has been temporarily diverted thanks to the

resignation of Siralex and also those nasty kidnappers in Ohio, we can get down to serious business. As you will see from the very uninformative map, we are travelling around Europe once more and after some fab memories of Tuscany last year it took no debate at all to return (no, i heard no mention of Spain at all...). As on previous occasions, I hope to portray a scene of all that is good and notable about continental Europe as well as describing the everyday chaos which is our dysfunctional gathering.

News just in... what was 'Six of the best' has now become the 'Seven wonders'... 'Carpet' Mark Andrew is to join our throng after having seen the light and purchased a motorcycle. Aside from being the baby of the group, Mark will bring to the party an appreciation of deep shagpile and bike gear he pinched from a Power Ranger. He'll fit in fine.

Less than two days to go to the off and excitement abounds down Hollington way, so much so that new landlord, Dan, thinks we're all a bit silly. What's more, he's more than a little irked that now up to fourteen of his new customers are going to be missing for all or part of the next fortnight (I don't think Terry filled him in on this little fact while doing his sales spiel). We welcome Messrs. Robinson, Lewis, Heldreich, Vinecombe and James 'like a 12 year old with the keys to the porn cupboard' Filer in Lakes Garda and Como and we also have Colder Jr and his mate Joey shadowing the trip in the 'Support Van'... or in other words, the late evening 'mop up' bus.

5am, Markeaton Island is our time of departure from the usual exotic location. Ladies who wish to be present to throw items of underwear or cash are welcome.

Oh joy, oh rapture... here we go again

Neil says... 'Your bikers need you. Become a follower' 

In an ever changing world where the sands of time shift ever faster it is comforting to know that while all around is a raging river some things are still solid, utterly predictable and resistant to both progress and political correctness... yes, as sure as night follows day, the bike trip is upon us once again (though to be fair, it was a little in doubt until a week ago and the route wasn't decided until last weekend). However, we are very pleased to be preparing ourselves, and the bikes, for 25th May. We go to Rome. By this time, even The Red Lion will have changed hands and this is an opportune moment (especially in anticipation of all the free beer at the leaving do this weekend) to say adieu and cheerio to Terry as he rides off into the sunset with his carer, Sarah. We are all grateful for where you've taken the Lion in the past four or so years and we wish you all the best in Falmouth and look forward to seeing you back here when you've had enough of the smell of fish.

But enough of this sentimentality... we need you! Last year's number of followers was, being brutally honest,

pants. If we have to read this drivel then so should you and the best way to do so is to become a follower (click above or below somewhere). That way, you'll receive an annoying email every time there's something new and 'fun' to read. It also means you can make your own intelligent observations about such matters of a national magnitude as... whether Tony has been to the toilet, will Andy piss off the whole of Europe or just selected nations, and of course, is it possible for Richard to break glass when he snores?

We're chuffed to be departing these shores once again and hope you'll bear with the banal, the childish and, of course, the frankly ridiculous.